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nothing and everything

   Just trying to get myself back in blogging mode. Court for the restraining order was postponed, and will resume on June 4th. Troy's divorce took forever - 5 hours! and he didn't get custody of  Exy. We knew that was a likely outcome but it was still very sad. We really hoped to have her with us permanently. As it is we will only get her 6 weeks in the summer and half of every vacation she has. It's better than nothing. We got her and Jenna bunk bed yesterday and set it all up. Looks good.
  Troy has not told her he and I are together. He thinks she wont understand the concept of "boyfriend and girlfriend". He knows she gets the whole mommy and daddy thing but thinks that Jen has kept her so sheltered that she wont understand I'm his girlfriend. She is only 9 months younger than Jenna, and Jenna grasps that concept with no problem at all. I think honestly that even though she is coddled by Jen and deliberately kept emotionally younger than her age she will understand what it means just fine. She may not like it, and she may be angry, but she will understand what it means.
  I'm terrified she wont like me. Or that the kids wont get along with each other. I'm a little worried that he will treat the kids differently from each other. I'm worried she will be jealous of my kids. After all, in the past 9 months my kids have had her daddy. My daughter took over her room, Julian has repainted and taken over her other room. Everything in the house has changed from how it was when she and Jen moved out.
  I know I will treat her as I do my own kids. I have always wanted another child and now I will have one. I don't get to keep her, but I'm here for the long run so she will still be my daughter too. I'm excited to meet her but, I know it will have to go slow. I mean, I know all about her and have been preparing for her for months ... she only knows that my kids and I moved into the upstairs of her dad's house. She doesn't even know my name.

What was finished has only just begun

So my divorce has been final since February 24. I had hoped things would get easier and more mellow for me. In some ways they have but in other ways it's a fucking train wreck. Jason is. Still back and forth. I had that restraining order on him in October which the judge did not continue after that. Troy and I and the kids had to get another one yesterday after Jason came to our house and threatened to kill us.. I'm totally serious. H left in an ambulance and the cops did not charge anyone  but it was still completely out of control. H is now tell ing everyone this is somehow all my fault. Whatever.  Long fucking road ahead. I'm  so glad I have Troy by my side to help me get through all of this. I don't know what I would do without him.

been so long..

 I often do this. I go months and months - even years sometimes before I come back and write. And here I am again. Only now.. I have so much to tell. Jason and I have separated as of August, and we finally filed for divorce on October 3rd. We seemed to be okay at first, when I first left. We filled out the papers together. Like sitting at the table together and went over every single thing. We agreed about it all but didn't have the money at the time to actually file. Then when he finally did have the money he refused to pay it. I moved in with Anna for a little bit and then I moved in with my long time childhood friend Troy. I have known him since 1983.. before a lot of you were born. Jason became more and more angry. More explosive with his anger at every turn. He started to become violent. Then,he would cry and cry and cry. Then the threats started and then every single day he would start texting me as early as 5:30am and continue all day and well into the night. It would start with "I love you, have a great day" then by lunch it would be "I fucking hate you why are you doing this to us??!" and by dinner it would be "I'm so sorry, please come home, I miss you so much". Every.Fucking.Day. Then I started to date Troy. Jason was understandably mad about it but the texts kept coming. And the phone calls. Jason was emotionally spiraling out of control. Finally it got so bad I had to pull the kids form his house. They were staying there because some of my morning classes were too early for me to be able to get the kids to school on time so it was easier for them to live there. That and the act that  I didn't think it was fair to pull the kids out of there home when I didn't even know if where I was at was going to stick or not. I didn't want them to move in with me only to have us have to move shortly afterwards.

annd.. ok this story has to end here because I really have an essay to write.

my thoughts on dreams, death, and grieving

If you know me at all, you know about my dreams. Sometimes my dreams are nothing, sometimes they are prophetic in nature, and sometimes they just show what will happen on a certain course to open me or whoever the dream is about up to other paths. Dreams are complex. My intuition is almost always dead on. I say almost because, I'm not God, I'm not Jesus, I am fallible.

I knew Jason before we met. As a matter of fact, he knew me, too. He told me of a dream that he was coming up some stairs, and when he gets to the top, on the other side is a girl with red hair, and a little child with white blond curls playing at her feet.
About 3 months later, Jason showed up at his grandfather's house, and came up the porch steps. on the other side of the porch was me.. 17 years old, with ruby red hair, and my little daughter Angel who had just turned 2, with her white blond corkscrew curls playing at my feet. ( I knew Jason's Grandfather, Mother, and Uncles looong before I knew him) 3 days later I moved in, at Grandpa's insistence since he said the place I was living (my mother's house) was unlivable, especially for a small child. Jason and I have been together ever since. This has taught me to listen to Jason's intuition and dreams as well.
I have a good friend who recently lost his father. Saturday night Jason says to me " have you seen ____________ on tonight?" I said no.. but that I knew he had been on a few hours before hand. Jason then says "I hope everything is okay.. I have a bad feeling that tonights the night." That was roughly 10pm, 9 pm in our friends time. From what I understand, our friend's father passed away 4 hours later. So, obviously it was no surprise to me when he told me Sunday evening that his father had passed during the night.

Here is where things get touchy between me, and anyone who recently lost someone. Well... only if they don't share the same belief system I do.. even a little. I believe in God, and Jesus. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I also believe in ghosts, spirit travel, astral projection, dreams and intuition. I believe in healing through love and the laying of hands. (not *curing* mind you... just healing, be it spiritual, emotional, or to ease the hurt of the person being touched) I believe there is something waiting for us on "the other side". I believe in fate and karma.

It always gets touchy here because it's hard for me to be sad when someone who has been in pain, or suffering in any way passes on. I think it's wrong to mourn a person's passing rather then celebrating the life they lived. The person who passed isn't sad. They are free from pain, and sadness and the ugliness the world can bring. That person is free and wonderful and happy, and probably feels a little sorry for you, the person who is stuck behind to experience pain, sorrow, and the over all drudgery of everyday life. That person knows he or she will see you again, and sooner then you think! Time is nothing to those on the other side, so for them, it wont be long at all until you are reunited. Until that time, he or she who passed will amuse themselves with reuniting with those that passed before him or her. Why is that sad?
I believe grieving is selfish. You aren't grieving because the person you loved has passed on. You know all you wanted for your loved one is that the pain ends. The struggle ends.. that that person wouldn't have to go through all that. And now he doesn't. You are sad not because he is gone.. but because you are still there. Without him. So really, you are feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, there is an empty place where your loved one no longer is, and yes that hurts. I know it does! But just imaging what it's like for that person who went through so much.. and now is freed. Now is happy and can do all the things he or she couldn't do before passing! he is smiling and feeling genuine joy... how long has it been since that has been true of him?

Your loved one would not want you to be sad. He wouldn't want you to fall into drinking, or depression because of his passing.. not when nothing but good has come of it for him! Your loved one would never want you to live your life this way when he was alive.. why should you do it now? and if you say to me "tuff.. thats the way it's going to be" well then.. can't you see the selfishness there? You are supposedly grieving the loss of someone close.. but you care not for what they would want you to do in this situation? What?!

for you - you know who you areCollapse )

Angelica, part 2

BBQ from hell

I love people. Really! well.. okay.. actually I think most people are dumb asses.. but I love being around people. in public. or someplace other than my home. I really.. really hate people in my house. Not ALL people, but most people. There are a select few that I can have in my home with absolutley no problem. There are others I can have in my home that I can deal with in small doses.

I don't deal well with *groups* of people in my house. I know it's weird,but here is why...

My house is the one place I can truly be me. I can walk around in my panties... or not, as the case may be. I don't have to smile, or be polite, or make small talk if I don't want to. I can RELAX. When people come over, then I have to smile all the time, even when I don't want to, have to be nice, and dressed, and ... all the stuff I would have to do if I were in public. My home is not a public domain. It's mine. It's my sanctuary. When people come their energy gets all over, and it makes me kinda tense... uptight.. uncomfortable. I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own home!

Think of me as a wolf. My home is my den. Wolves don't let other wolves come hang out in their dens. Only the others who belong in the pack get to be in the den, otherwise it makes the mama wolf nervous. Make sense?
So.. If I'm a wolf, and I don't like other wolves in my den.. why is it okay for *some* other wolves to be there?

Honestly, I don't know. The only thing I can think of is that maybe the other wolves (er.. people I mean) have a similar energy to mine so it doesn't throw off mine to the point it makes me uncomfortable.

or maybe I'm just a hermit lol. Who knows?
(stay with me.. I have a point..)

SO ANYWAY... the reason I bring all that up is because my husband likes to have people over. Today he threw a BBQ at me. Well, yesterday he informed me, and it was today. At first, it was no big deal. We were grilling dinner. Then he invited over 2 friends and their 2 kids (we're up to 8 people now, in my house.. including us) still no big deal. The he invited Grandpa which is NEVER a big deal. We love us some grandpa :) (9 people) THEN my dad was invited (10 people) and thats getting to be a deal because.. yeah. Then I say "well, if so and so's coming we should invite Tony and Roxane, and their son. (13 people now) Now its starting to get a little out of hand but.. it's all good. We can deal. I'm a bit edgy, and bitchy, and starting to get stressed out but.. it's okay. So, 2 hours before everyone is supposed to be here, I have litter boxes to clean still. a HUGE mountain of laundry that still needs to be folded and put away.. we get a knock on the door. It's Grandpa. .. and his son, (Jason's Uncle Ray)..... and Ray's girlfriend... and his 4 kids. Now we are up to 19 people. NINETEEN. PLUS my 2 big dogs, my ferret, 2 cats, and 4 kittens. Needless to say.. I was having some kittens of my own at that point.
I was like.. how the FUCK are we supposed to feed all these extra people? Plus, I was feeling really shitty because of my allergies, Jenna has been sick .. and it's like, 95 degrees outside and my freakin AC doesn't work!!! GUH! KILL ME NOW!!

Jason and Tony slaved over the grill for about 2 hours. We had about 30 kabobs, 10 burgers, and countless hot dogs. Everyone was fed, and there is a lot of left overs, shockingly. The kids (all 8 of them) drove me insane, but probably weren't as bad as I was thinking at the time. My head nearly exploded, and I did have 3 cigarettes... more then Iv had in one sitting since I went to the bar with Crystal.. 2 months ago.
It was hell, and I was relived beyond words when everyone went home but... all in all, it was pretty good. I guess.

for the record..

pretty much everyone on my f -list knows this story, but Im putting it here so I can add all the updates. I found it in my old Rayne_sotd livejournal that I thought was deleted lol!

Angelica's story... cut for lengthCollapse )

soo..

despite my recent (depressing) writing.. Iv been walking around with a silly ass grin on my face the past few days. Like, it'll just happen all of a sudden and I have to literally bite my lip to try and stop myself from doing it. It's kinda funny.. and I laugh at myself for it all the time. It's strange though. Well, its not strange, but it feels strange. To smile.. a real smile.. as opposed to my "fake it till you make it" smile..

*ponders*
Why won't you pay attention?
Pray every night I'll make you happy
If I'm real bad will you punish me?
The contact hurts but at least you're touching me
Can't you see can't you read please read me please
Hard to believe I'm your flesh and blood
Watch your mistakes swimming down my face
Jump up and down and I'll even fall.. To your feet you're stepping on me
You're hurting me, you don't notice me... you're hurting me
I'm screaming, I'm breaking, I'm grieving.. get angry
I'm rebelling, I'm trying, I'm losing.. be proud of me.
I'm sickening, I'm learnin,g please notice me
I'm your baby
Am I all you hoped that I would be?

Must be no boundaries, guess no one cares
What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine to get
I'll make you listen until you're blue
The contact hurts but at least I'm touching you

I'm rapin,g I'm craving, I'm begging, get angry
I'm weakening I'm regretting, I'm sorry, be proud of me
I'm invisible, I'm multiplying,I'm pleading, I'm killing
Am I all you hoped that I would be?
I'm crippling, I'm sobbing, I'm degrading, I know you dont want me.
I'm deprecating, I'm demoralizing
I'm sad
humiliating
I'm empty,I'm destroying, I'm guilty, I'm ashamed, I'm wrong ... I know I'm wrong..
Why won't you pay attention?
Hung from a rope then you'll know me....

Frustrated by it all

I have struggled with my weight my whole life. Kids at school made farm animal noises at me when I walked down the hall. When I was about 12 my mom handed me a whole lot of cross tops and told me they would make me skinny so I should take them. I did, and they did. When I was 13 I bought my first bottle of "miracle" diet pills from a magazine. They didn t work.

Shortly after I had my first baby, when I was 15, I weighed less then ever. I had bones jutting out every which way possible and I loved it. I guess eating disorders will do that to you. It was not until a few months after my second child that I started really gaining weight again. By the time I got pregnant with Jenna I weighed 162 pounds. Thats exactly 20 pounds more then I weighed the day I gave birth to my first kid. During my pregnancy with Jenna, I lost 20 pounds, gained back 12 (6 of which was her) and after I had her.. I gained 30 more. After that, I continued to gain till I weighed over 200 pounds. At 5'2 , thats not good. But, nobody knows WHY I gain this weight so fast. Some people will say "if I even look at (enter fatty food here) I'll gain 5 pounds." with me, it damn near rings true. I can not eat or drink anything for 2 days and will still manage to gain a few pounds. It's true! Iv tested it several times and every time i get the same result. Iv had my thyroid tested 7 times, and every time they tell me it's fine.

Then a doctor gave me topomax.

I lost 65 pounds in about a year.

but, money ran out and I had to stop taking it, The problem with topomax is that once you stop taking it, if you ever restart it, you will no longer have the weight loss effect. (its a migraine pill, and one of the side effects is, literally, anorexia) I didn t really believe what people were saying about that. Soon after I stopped the med I started gaining weight again. Then I had a hysterectomy because I had adenomiosis and a hysterectomy is the only cure. My weight leveled out for awhile. (those of you who met me in Vegas saw me 1 year post hysterectomy and I had only gained about 6 pounds)

Then, out of no place.. I started packing it back on again. I begged my doctor to give me more topomax. He would'nt. Eventually I found a doctor who would. But, all those people were right. It dint make me lose weight like it had before - or at all, for that matter. I decided then that since starving had worked so well for me before, I would go that route again, only eating barely enough to keep me breathing.

the minute I started eating again, it all came back.

THEN! my husband cheats on me. He says it had nothing to do with my weight, and maybe it didn t.. but the fact that it was some tall skinny 22 year old bitch didn t help my ego any. So, I go BACK onto depression drugs. I start losing weight.. very very slowly. Maybe it was the drugs - maybe it was that I spent a week in bed wishing myself dead every second.. I don't know. But I lost some weight.

But, it turns out the meds were not working. I was suicidal for months. My every waking thoughts revolved around Jason, his whore, and ways to die. They took me off the meds and sent me on my suicidal way. Obviously, I didn t follow through. I could'nt do that to my kids. I decided I was going to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother.. fake it till you make it. I joined the gym. I didn t GO to the gym, but I joined.

3 weeks ago I decided to finally DO something. Everyone says "just excersize. it'll come right off". Well, Iv been working out 5 days a week for 3 weeks. and guess what?

nothing.

not one fucking pound.

Jason, however, has lost 14 pounds.
Today we were at Mirna's and her husband says to me "We found a picture of you and you were this big!" (he puts his hands in a circle to simulate my waist) he says " I had to ask Mirna who it was.. I didn t recognize you!" to which my ever loving husband turns to me and replies " were you ever that small? are you sure it was her? I dont think she was ever that small"

dig that knife in a little deeper asshole. Then he proceeds to tell everyone how much weight he's lost so far, and Mirna's husband does the same and Mirna says to me "what about you hun?" to which Jason said "she's pissed because Im losing it and she's gaining."

It took all I had not to cry.

I have to go back to the doctor June 2nd so he can test me for Celiac disease, and diabetes. Jason says "don't worry, they'll figure it out"

yeah.. because they've done so well at that so far.